


Playing with Fire

by dragonsav



Series: 100 Letters [1]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Humor, Mutual Pining, Trauma, theyre idiots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-17 07:19:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11846658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonsav/pseuds/dragonsav
Summary: It started... simple, as most things did with Shepard, Garrus thought to himself. But like everything she did, it seemed to get more complicated. For him it did, at least. His feelings for her were more than just platonic friendship.And that frightened him, in an exhilarating sort of way.Of course, it only took a rocket to the face to realize that she felt the same way.





	1. The Start of Something... More.

**Author's Note:**

> it just occurred to me that I have never posted my writing for this pairing at that is unacceptable?? its like my favorite ship. anyway this is going to be long and details my playthrough of mass effect with my Athena Shepard. tags may change as I write.

_One, two, three, jab._  
   
One, two, three, jab.   
   
One, two, three, dodge.    
   
Shepard repeated this pattern, slamming her fists into the punching bag as she counted the mantra in her head. Sweat dripped slowly down her brow, her knuckles bright red and starting to bleed. Maybe she should have wrapped them before she started.    
   
It was okay though. The pain grounded her. Virmire was a shitshow, and if the discovery of sovereign wasn't enough she had lost one of her squad.    
   
Kaiden's loss was still fresh in her mind, all the memories she had with him were just... painful reminders. She had gone through that moment a thousand times in her head, what if she had left Ashley with the bomb? Surely she would have been fine, she could handle herself. But then Shepard would sigh and relent to herself. No, Ash would have died if she went to Kaiden. Every time she told herself this she threw her punches harder, until the sting of her knuckles overpowered the stinging of tears behind her eyes.    
   
Commander Shepard did not cry.    
   
Athena Shepard cried, she wept for her lost friend, for the squad she lost on Akuze. But Commander Shepard? No. Commander Shepard was the scion of the Alliance, the first Human Spectre. She was a fearless combatant, a survivor above all.    
Yet every night when she returned to her cabin, washing off the sweat and grime from the days missions, she would see their faces in her dreams and wake up with tears running down her cheeks. Sometimes she would sit there and cry silently, but most nights she would leave her cabin and go to the cargo hold and beat into the punching bag until the crew began to wake. She would then return to her cabin, shower and dress for the day.    
   
It had become more frequent after Virmire. They had a few more hours until they reached Ilos, and then they would be after Saren again. Shepard was positive that chasing the indoctrinated spectre on only four hours of sleep was unwise, but it was too late to try to sleep now.    
   
She landed an array of crippling punches to the worn leather, her biotics lashing out on the last punch, the momentum had the bag swinging back at her and knocking her off her feet.    
   
"I never thought a punching bag would be your downfall, Commander. Someone should tell Saren."    
   
The familiar flanged voice made her turn her head, looking up at Garrus from her spot on the floor. She sighed, sitting up with a wince. "You wanna volunteer for that, Garrus?"    
   
Garrus chuckled, his mandibles twitching slightly in a way that Shepard had come to associate with a smile. "I don’t think so. Maybe ask Wrex."    
   
Shepard snickered, lifting herself to her feet with a soft groan. Garrus' eyes flickered to her hands, mandibles flaring as he saw the streaks of blood dripping down her fingers. How long had she been down here? He was almost certain humans needed more sleep than he did, and Shepard was awake when he turned in for the night. He had only slept for about five hours.  "aren't you supposed to wrap your hands?" Garrus questioned, not sure if he should ask if she was sleeping... that wasn't something friends did, right? Well, maybe.    
   
Shepard raised a brow, brushing her bright red hair out of her eyes. "You criticizing my choices, Vakarian?"     
   
"er, uh, n-no I was just--" Garrus fumbled, had he offended her? He paused when she only chuckled, shaking her head and rubbing the back of her neck. "I'm just teasing Garrus... Yeah, you are supposed to wrap your hands. Guess I forgot."   
   
Garrus frowned, that seemed... unlikely. But he decided not to press the issue. "did you get any sleep? I've never seen you down here this early." The turian hoped he wasn't overstepping, their friendship was still new to him and he wasn't exactly sure what was okay to say.    
Shepard didn't seem bothered though, just moving her shoulders in a way that he had found was called a 'shrug'. He was getting better at reading human body language.    
   
"Kind of... not as much as I should though. Don’t tell Chakwas, she’ll chase me down and force me to get some shut eye even if it kills her. Probably make me stay in the medbay too..." Shepard shuddered, shaking her head.    
   
Garrus nodded, deciding not to press further. "your secret is safe with me commander. Besides, I don't like being stuck in medical either."    
   
There was a brief silence between them before she spoke again. "Athena."    
   
Garrus glanced up at her curiously. "What?"    
   
Shepard shifted her weight, looking uncharacteristically nervous. "Everyone always calls me Shepard, or commander. I know everyone's first name but no one knows mine. It's Athena."    
   
he nodded slowly, this felt... different than their other conversations. But maybe he was just reading into it too much. Why were her cheeks getting redder? Maybe it was just the lighting. "Athena..." He murmured softly. "Isn't... that a little informal?"   
   
She shrugged, glancing away from him. "of course, but I don't need to be formal with my friends."    
   
Garrus smiled, a warm fondness growing in his chest. "I see. Well... Athena, it would probably be a good idea to suit up. Joker says we've got thirty minutes till we land on Ilos."    
   
It felt good to hear her name on his tongue, maybe... too good, for just friends. Shepard furiously shook that feeling off and nodded with a smile. "Yeah. I guess so. Meet me at the airlock Vakarian.    
   
"Aye aye, Commander." 

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Garrus stared at the empty casket with a painful longing in his chest, fists clenched at his sides, his subharmonics keening in sorrow. dammit he should have been there! he should have... he should have been there. 

Liara sobbed softly beside Ashley who was trying her best to comfort the asari. Krogan lacked tear ducts, but Wrex looked just as sad, his silence speaking volumes. Tali stood beside Garrus, he wouldn't have known she was crying if it weren't for the soft hiccupping sobs that made her shoulders shake.   
they hadn't found her body. there was too much ground to cover, the alliance said. Missing in Action they said. bullshit, Garrus thought. anger welled in his chest as he stared at the casket. in place of a body, there were a thousand roses, bright red, just like her hair. Garrus scoffed softly, his mandibles flaring as he recalled a conversation he had with her while they were stuck in medical after the attack on the citadel. Athena hated roses. something about previous lovers comparing her to the damn flower. 

the sound of the doors opening made him turn, part of him wanted it to be admiral Anderson, telling them that Shepard was alive and there was no reason to mourn her. that was the unreasonable side of him. the other side, the angry, pissed off side, screamed at him for justice. 

an older woman entered the room, red hair dulled by strands of grey and white, bags under her eyes and an admirals star on her chest. the plate beside her rank read Shepard, Hannah. 

Shepard's mother.

the room went quiet as the woman approached the casket, her resolve breaking as she got closer. she fell to her knees, crying, a hand on the polished wood of the coffin. Dr, Chakwas joined her, a comforting arm around the womans shoulders as she sobbed. 

This was too much. he couldn't... Garrus turned on his heel and left the room, Tali looked after him as he went, and subsequently followed. 

"Garrus, Garrus where are you--!" 

She stopped talking when Garrus slammed his fist into the wall, the metal bending slightly under the force of his punch. She didn't say anything when he sunk to the ground, back pressed against the wall, the low keening of his subharmonics mourning someone who was more than a friend to him. there was nothing left for him here. that's when he decided that he was no longer Garrus Vakarian, a C-sec officer. 

he was an avenging force of justice, an Archangel, and he would do everything in his power to make sure Shepard didn't die in vain. Her sacrifice was going to mean something even if it killed him.


	2. Last Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus says his goodbyes and see's a ghost.

_"C'mon Garrus! I know you can punch harder than that." Shepard laughed as she ducked under his swing, grabbing his arm and flipping him onto his back. Wrex let out a laugh from the other side of the cargo hold, Shepard looked down at him and tapped her fist on the floor. "That's another one for me."_  
   
Garrus let out a soft oof as he hit the floor, gazing up at the red headed woman in bewilderment. "You are certainly stronger than you look, Commander."    
   
He swung his arm out under her knees, knocking her to the floor. She let out a strangled yelp and Garrus sat up, smirking. "And that, is one for me."    
   
"Good one, Garrus."   

 

   
 _"Hello?"_  
   
The sound of his father's voice tore him from his thoughts. Bullets flew past his head as he ducked under the window. "Dad."    
   
 _"Garrus? Is that you? What's that noise?"_  
   
"just a little target practice." Garrus lined up his scope with another merc and then fired. Another down.    
   
 _"then call me back later."_  
   
Garrus heaved a sigh, the exhaustion seeping deep into his bones, but the bodies lying covered on the floor below him pushed him on. "Don't think I'll be able to do that. Too many targets."    
   
There was a long pause over the comm, Garrus briefly thought he heard Solana somewhere in the background. He ducked into cover, shutting his eyes for a moment before he popped back up and nailed a few more mercs on the bridge.    
   
 _"I see."_  
   
"I just wanted to hear your voice. Wanted to know how retirement was treating you." Garrus murmured, his movements were getting slow, sluggish. But he wasn't done yet.    
   
 _"I'm fine. Forget about that."_  
   
"Listen, I don’t have a lot of time. I just wanted to say... you were right about things. A lot more than I gave you credit for."   
   
 Another bullet in an eclipse mercs head.    
   
" And I'm sorry we butted heads so much." Garrus said, his subharmonics humming low with his inevitable death by mercenaries. His father wasn't so resigned.    
   
 _"I said forget about that. These targets you're practicing on—they're moving fast?"_  
   
"So far not fast enough. But they're learning."    
   
More bullets hit the concrete of the building and garrus ducked down.    
   
 _"How are your thermal clips?"_  
   
Garrus snorted, glancing over the top of cover. "you know how it is... could always use a couple more."    
   
 _"Work with what you've got, then. Don’t stop pulling that trigger till it clicks, son."_  
   
Garrus looked down his scope as his father spoke. It looked like they were sending more  mercs out.    
   
 _"no matter how bad things are falling apart around you, as long as you have at least one bullet left, you can still get the job done. Understand?"_  
   
He lined his scope up with one of the mercs, a familiar symbol glinting in his scope. The bold N7 designation made his heart jump. His subharmonics trilling deep in his chest with a longing he had been living with for two, long, years.    
   
 _"You finish up what you have to do there, and then you come on home to Palaven. We have a lot to sort out."_  
   
bright red hair and those strange green eyes... Garrus' mandibles flared as he saw a ghost.    
   
"Yeah, we do. Thanks, dad. For everything. I have to go now, don't worry about me. I'll make it home when I can. The odds just got a lot better."    
   
 _"Alright son. You be careful."_  
   
"I will, dad."    
   
 _"Goodbye Garrus."_  
   
The call ended with a sharp beep, and he loaded concussive rounds into his rifle. "You better get up here fast Shepard."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter but I've been writing these as the inspiration comes and I felt like it was a good point to end on.


	3. Draw Me In, Wrap Me Up in Your Gravity

She heard the gunship before she saw it, and from the stairs she could see the rocket that flew towards her friend. Her heart gave a painful clench and she forced her feet to move, carrying her up the stairs as her hands gripped the gun in her hands. Her fingers squeezed the trigger until it clicked, she took cover and she loaded another clip into the chamber.    
   
Her mind was racing, but they weren't safe while that gunship remained airborn. Luckily she still had her grenade launcher, and a few shots had the machine crashing down into the wards below.    
   
"GARRUS!"    
   
His name is torn from her lips in a panicked cry that did not sound at all like Commander shepard.  she dropped her gun as she ran to his side, Jacob and Miranda close behind. She could feel the warm blood against her legs as she knelt beside him, checking for a pulse, anything that would tell him he was alive.    
   
"he looks bad commander..." Jacob's voice was like nails on a chalkboard to her but she didn't have the energy to snap at him.    
   
"Nononononono— Garrus don't you dare— C'mon Garrus..." her voice cracked as she applied pressure to the wound, praising whatever gods were watching when she felt the flicker of a pulse against her fingertips.    
   
A strangled gasp came from the turian, voice butchered by sickening gargling. More blood followed as he tried to move, his pupils blown wide, one of his hands clawing at the armor of her arm. She grasped his hand firmly, looking into his eyes as miranda helped her get him up. "Hey, stay with me Vakarian. you're gonna make it."    
   
She pitied any mercs that came in her way as they crossed the bridge. She still hadn't fully recovered from being rebuilt, her body screamed at her as she threw the two batarians that had got in their path off the bridge with her biotics, she couldn't tell if the blood trickling down her neck was her's or Garrus' . They reached the shuttle and shepard barked at Jacob to drive as they set him down in the back. Medi-gel wouldn't do much, he would need serious surgery. but it would keep him from bleeding out until they could get him to the Normandy.    
   
She could feel the blood drying on the side of her face, in her hair, could see the dark blue drying on her armor... it wasn't until Chakwas was ushering her to her cabin to clean herself up that she realized they were safe.    
   
"Tell me when he's awake?" Athena said; her voice hoarse and raw, her eyes unfocused.    
   
Chakwas nodded, her soft grey eyes filled with worry. "Of course commander. But I won't let you  see him covered in blood, so get cleaned up."    
   
She nodded numbly as the elevator doors closed. What was wrong with her? Why did she lose her composure like that? Seeing him fall like that... the fear that shot down her spine was... she never wanted to feel that again.    
   
Even the water wasn't enough to clear her head.    
   
She stared at the tile as the water ran down her body, blue and red mixing and swirling down the drain. She stayed there until the water ran cold and clear. She grabbed a towel and made a weak attempt to dry her hair. Her hands absently reaching for the weight of her dog tags that were not there. It was still a shock when her fingers didn't grasp the cold metal, her eyes darting to the vanity in the bathroom and shepard stood there a moment... staring at her body that didn't feel at all like hers.    
   
She lifted a hand to her left cheek, where a small scar used to reside. The skin was now smooth and unmarred, only her freckles marking her skin. She dropped her eyes lower, the uneasy feeling growing as she realized every little thing that was different....   
   
The scar on her stomach from a mishap with an assault rifle, the scars from the battle at the citadel, saren, even the tattoos she had... gone.    
   
In their place; hellish and glowing red scars littered places on her body, the apples of her cheeks her shoulders, thighs... reminding her that this was not Athena Shepards body. Even the little things, the imperfections that made her human were gone. She never had wide hips, or perky breasts but now? Now she looked like the models she had seen in magazines she had seen as a teenager. An ideal body then, but now? She would kill to have the stretchmarks back, the muffintop, the fat under her arms that never seemed to go away no matter how much she worked out.    
   
The woman in the mirror was Commander Shepard, not Athena Shepard, the military brat with a bit too much fat on her hips.    
   
Tearing her gaze from the mirror with disgust, she quickly dressed. purposefully grabbing clothes that lacked the cerberus insignia. After some digging she found that somehow they had gotten some of her clothes. A familiar jacket with the n7 symbol peeked out from under some sweatpants and she almost wanted to cry. Slipping it on was the most normal she had felt since waking up. She tied her still damp hair into a messy excuse for a pony tail and settled down at her desk to forget about the jarring dysphoria towards herself.   
   
She had fallen asleep on her desk, a datapad stuck agains ther cheek when EDI's voice chimed over the comm. "Shepard?"    
   
"im awake." Shepard grunted, blinking tiredly at the electronic screen, the time registered as 21:00. Almost 24 hours since they had rescued Garrus. Had it been that long? Jeez, she really must have needed to sleep. A surge of adrenaline shot through her as she rememered. Flashes of memory, blue coating her hands, her friend dying out under her. She shook it off as she stood from her desk.    
   
  "What is it EDI?"    
   
"Commander, Dr. Chakwas has asked me to tell you that Archangel is awake."    
   
Shepard practcally threw the data pad down on the desk and booked it to the elevator, not bothering to clean up her appearance. She didn't give a damn what the crew thought, though Miranda may chide her for it.    
   
She needed a familiar face, a person she knew she could talk to, lean on. Joker and Chakwas were familiar but she had never been sixteen drinks in singing old earth songs with them.  Garrus had a way of drawing people in... he made her feel safe. She knew that with Vakarian at her back she would always have someone to count on... he was her anchor. She always found herself circling back to the cargo bay to talk to him when they were hunting Saren, he was the first person she shared her doubts with, and she knew he would most likely be the last. seeing him on omega like that? exhausted and burnt out? looking nothing like the energetic C-Sec cop she had known... she briefly wondered why he wasn't with the Spectres. their last conversation made it seem like he was going to apply... but she supposed things changed.   
   
She hesitated as she approached the med bay doors, doubt flickering across her mind. What if he was angry with her? What if he left her? She didn't know if she could handle that.     
But she didn't have time to chicken out as the med bay doors chimed and opened, her heart dropping into her stomach when she saw him.    
   
"Shepard...." His voice was hoarse, but he didn’t sound upset. "No one will give me a mirror. How bad is it?"    
   
She found herself chuckling as she moved, slowly walking towards him. "Hell, Garrus. You were always ugly. Slap some face paint on there and no one will even notice."    
   
Garrus chuckled, which seemed painful, his undamaged mandible flaring as he flinched. "Ah, ha, don't make me laugh... it's good to see you again shepard."    
   
She smiled, tears burning the back of her eyes. She blinked them back and lifted a hand to pat his shoulder. "You too Garrus. I...." she hesitated as she continued, memories of his blood soaking her armor making her throat close up. She forced the tears down and swallowed hard, looking away. "You scared me, for a minute there." she confessed softly, grateful for the curtain Chakwas had drawn around his cot. 

"You? scared? I'm shocked, Commander." Garrus said, his tone still lighthearted. 

her green eyes snapped back to him, tears slipping down her cheeks despite her attempts to quell them. "I'm serious dammit." she clenched her hands at her side, her shoulders trembling. "I--" her voice broke as she tried to speak, and Garrus' shocked expression spoke volumes. 

she cursed, moving and wrapping her arms around the stunned turian, careful of his injuries. 

Garrus had been hugged by her before, right after the battle with Saren. she was happy then, celebrating their victory. but this felt different. her shoulders trembled against him, the vulnerability of it all unfamiliar to him. but still, he wrapped his arms around her loosely, returning the gesture. he hadn't... he didn't... the emotions he had thought he put to rest resurfaced, his subharmonics beginning to hum a gentle tone. he was relived shepard could not understand the meaning. "I'm sorry Shepard." 

She pulled away from him, shaking her head. "No, don't apologize. its not your fault I just-- I never want to have to haul your dying ass out of danger again. I've had enough friends die."

Garrus nodded, keenly aware of her hands still on his arms. a warm feeling bubbled up in his chest that he fought to force down, focusing on the words friends. that was all they were. all they could be. he was foolish to think otherwise. "Alright. no more dying. I promise." 

Shepard laughed softly, her green eyes regaining that bright spark he fell in love with. "Good. no Shepard without Vakarian, remember?" 

Garrus chuckled, nodding. "hell yeah."


	4. Burning Starlight

The last thing she saw before she died was stars.    
   
Suffocating slowly in space, her lungs burning for oxygen that just wasn't there, she counted them. One by one, until her vision blacked out and the burning stopped. Then she didn't see anymore.    
   
The next thing she registers is waking up in a Ceberus facility, blinded by the artificial light and sickened by the smell of chemicals. Pain shoots through her body like lightning everytime she moves, and it doesn't stop after the battle does. It becomes a dull ache that never goes away, not on the newly rebuilt Normandy, not when she tries to sleep.    
   
She can't sleep on her bed. The window in her cabin startles her every time she opens her eyes, and it's worse when she dreams of those stars.    
   
On those nights, there isn't a cargo bay to go to with a punching bag waiting, so she walks the deck of the SR-2. The build of this ship was similar enough to the original that if she walked down to engineering... she could picture tali there. Talking to her about something she found, or how the ship was too quiet to sleep. To the place behind the med bay that was now the AI core, she could see Liara, bursting at the seams to talk about her research with the protheans.    
   
On the bad nights... she would curl up in the main battery, listening to the hum of the engine and cry for the friends she had lost. She should have stayed gone, she had mused to herself, why couldn't Cerberus just leave her dead?   
   
Everything she did felt... wrong. Out of place. Shepard silently hoped this suicide mission would end her. Maybe then she would find some peace.    
   
Then she had found Garrus, or more accurately she had found his moniker 'Archangel', and he was coming with her. That sense of normalcy she had craved when she first woke up was slowly coming together again... her body didn't feel so foreign anymore.    
   
That didn't stop the nightmares though. She had woke up gasping for air, a surge of adrenaline spiking in her veins when she saw the stars above her. _She could feel the burning in her lungs, the cold seeping into her body---_  
   
"Shepard."    
   
The electronic voice tore her from the nightmare and shocking her enough to gasp air into her lungs. She scrambled to get off the bed, she needed to feel something underneath her, anything—her feet hit the cool metal of her cabin floor and she let herself collapse against it, the artificial gravity of the Normandy pressing down on her. She forced another breath into her lungs, ignoring the tremors that wracked her body, the sting of tears behind her eyes.    
   
"Shepard, should I alert Dr. Chakwas?"    
   
Athena shook her head slowly. "No... no I'll be fine... I just..." She took a deep breath, forcing herself to sit upright, running a hand through her hair. "Who of the crew is awake?"    
   
"very few, Dr. Solus, Dr. Chakwas, Mr. Taylor and Mr. Vakarian remain awake. Jeff is still awake as well, though I have reminded him that I can monitor the ship while he sleeps. He declined, I do not think he trusts me yet."    
   
EDI referring to Garrus as 'Mr. Vakarian' was almost enough to make her smile. "Yeah... I'm not surprised. He'll warm up to you soon. How long has he been awake?" Athena asked softly, grabbing her N7 jacket from the chair she had draped it on.    
   
"My analysis shows he has been awake for over 24 hours."    
   
Athena scowled, not bothering to put on her shoes or tie her hair up as she left her cabin. "Tell him to get some sleep or I'll carry his crippled ass out of the cockpit myself."    
   
"of course, Commander."    
   
Standing in the elevator gave her time to shake of her nightmare, compose herself a little better. She made a stop by the kitchen, grabbing jokers favorite energy drink and snack from a private stash she had stored in the mess before going back up to the deck.    
   
As the doors opened, images of the ruined Normandy's CIC flashed in her head. Metal cords falling from the ceiling on a backdrop of stars, metal still glowing hot from the collector beam... She jumped, startled by the image, her breath stuttering in her chest. She pressed the palm of her hands to her eyes and shook it off. Maybe she should talk to Chakwas. She headed to the mess, the silence giving way to more flashbacks and memories. She could still feel the dull burn of her lungs.... she shook it off, focusing on tearing open a packet of cheap instant coffee and poured it into her mug. Once it had all dissolved, she tentatively took a sip. It tasted terrible.    
   
She set her mug down when she noticed her hands were shaking.    
   
Gritting her teeth, she tossed the remains of her shitty coffee into the sink and slammed her hands against the counter. Why couldn't she just forget about it? So she died? She was back now, it felt like she had just taken a long nap... a two year long nap...    
   
The hiss of a door opening made her jerk, nerves still fried from her panic attack in her cabin. She instinctively reached for a gun at her hip, only to brush her fingers against the fabric of her pants.    
   
"Shepard?"    
   
The soothing trill of Garrus' voice made the tension in her shoulders ease, relief seeping slowly into her veins. "Garrus." She cursed herself when her voice cracked as she spoke, all the emotions she felt slipping past the carefully built up walls around her psyche. She stayed carefully still as she heard the turian approach, hoping, _praying_ , he couldn’t see the tremble of her shoulders.    
   
"Are you alright?" His voice was softer now, gentle in a way she had never heard from him before. It made the tears welling up behind her eyes even harder to quell, and eventually she couldn't stop them.    
   
"N-no. No, Garrus, I'm n-not--" she faltered, hot drips of tears landing softly on the backs of her hands. She turned away from him and shook her head. "It's nothing."    
   
"I've never seen anything bring you to tears... I don't think it's nothing." Garrus was stubborn, she knew that, but she wished he didn’t choose this moment to pry.     
   
"you suddenly worried about me Vakarian?" her voice was sharp and harsh, almost a snarl. She didn't mean to snap, but she... was never the best at showing her emotions. Military life hardened her... maybe a little too much.    
   
"I've always worried about you. And I'm not letting it go until you talk."His mandibles flickered as he leaned against the counter, bringing his face down to her level so she could meet his gaze. "I've lost you once, I don't plan on losing you again."    
   
Her heart jumped into her throat, a painful tug on her heartstrings reminding her just how much she cherished her relationship with Garrus. Maybe... as a bit more than just a friend. "Nightmares... just... nightmares. Don't think I can look out a window without..." She ran a hand through her hair and down her face, steeling herself to stop the trembling in her hands.    
   
Garrus nodded in understanding. "well. I could use some company, and maybe calibrating a huge gun with help."    
   
Getting her mind off the subject definitely sounded better, and if she got to catch up with an old friend? All the better.    
   
She smiled slightly, shrugging her shoulders. "Yeah... okay."


	5. Every Scar Still Healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super sorry if this is kinda jumping all over the place, but I'm not really focusing on the story from the games as much as I am focusing on the relationships between the characters. it will get more in depth as I go, probably when I get to the events of ME3

Shepard removed her armor, tossing it into her locker with a sad, weary sigh. She should have known Ashley wouldn't understand, and it was too much for her to ask that she try to see it like Shepard did. She didn't trust Cerberus, and since she was on their side, she didn't trust Shepard. Athena scolded herself for thinking otherwise, thinking that she and Ashley had been through so much that the trust between them was thicker than that.     
    
Wrong again, she mused to herself .     
    
She stared at the dented metal of her armor locker with an angry scowl set on her face. She wasn't really angry, just... hurt. The crew of the SR-1 was her family... Tali, Garrus, Kaidan, Ashley, Liara, even Wrex, were all so important to her. Kaidan's loss on Virmire tore her apart, left a gaping hole in her chest that healed so slowly, and Ashley's accusations of betrayal reopened that wound. Flickers of memory crossed her mind, Kaidan's last words over the comm, the deep, overwhelming sorrow that filled her when she received no reply from him.    
    
Her hand instinctively went to touch her dog tags that usually hung around her neck, but she stopped herself short, remembering they were lost with the original Normandy. It was silly, to put such value on pieces of metal, but they had brought her peace during her hunt for Saren and were a source of comfort for her after. She brought her hand back down, clenched in a fist at her sides. She couldn't dwell on her feelings, she had to focus.     
    
Shepard took a deep breath forced her feet to move, walking out of the armory and into the CIC. She still had to  knock out Zaeed and Kasumi's contracts. Approaching the galaxy map she set a course for the coordinates given by their resident thief and headed down to the crew deck to notify Kasumi.     
    
Approaching the lounge Kasumi had made her own she was startled to hear talking, Kasumi often kept to herself.     
    
She could make out Kasumi's voice, Miranda, and... Kelly?     
    
"… and of course the crew gossip. You wouldn't believe the rumor that Donnelly told me the other day, word is the commander's in a secret relationship."     
    
"Oh, I heard that one already." Kasumi trilled, sounding all too gleeful. "Quite juicy. The possibilities it presents... Garrus isn't quite my type, but for shep? " she chuckled darkly.     
    
"Well I didn't." Miranda said. "what was it? If it's true it could cause some complications. We need Shepard completely focused on the mission."      
    
"Well, according to Gardner, he saw the commander leave the main battery, and she was adjusting her clothes! Her face was all red and flustered.  I think he was reaching but if it's true--"     
    
Shepard had heard enough, she knew what they were talking abut. She had broken down the night before, her face was red and blotchy because she had been crying not because— she shook the thoughts out of her head, stepping into range of the doors scanner and they swooshed open, silencing the three women. Her hardened green eyes swept over them, a hand on her hip.     
    
Kelly looked so very guilty, Shepard almost wanted to laugh. Almost.     
    
"Kasumi, we're heading to Hock's estate. ETA 3 hours."     
    
Kasumi's Cheshire cat smile only widened. "Of course. I'll be ready."     
    
Athena nodded. "good." She turned to leave but stopped when Miranda stood up.     
    
"Commander, If I may--" Miranda started, Shepard could already see the questions forming in her head.     
"No, you may not." Her curt voice was probably too rushed, but it silenced her, and perhaps tipped off the other two that she had heard their little conversation. Kasumi's grin only served to make her cheeks flush as she turned and left without another word.     
    
A sharp pain sliced through her thoughts as she entered the elevator. Shepard looked down at her arm, where the pain radiated from, only to see another one of those unnatural glowing red scars.     
    
An new scar had split through her skin, radiating angrily under her gaze, like it was mirroring her feelings towards the previous mission on Horizon. Disgusted, Shepard rolled down her sleeves and continued on her way to her cabin.     
Upon arrival, she changed into something more comfortable and with less Cerberus colors than her underarmor, and sat down at her desk. She began flicking through the numerous emails and paperwork from the illusive man. She sneered as she read his recent missive, archiving it to come back to later. A soft beep from her terminal alerted her to a new message from Garrus.  her mood brigthened a little, but it wasn't much of an improvement.    
    
'Shepard, got a minute to talk? I've got a lead on Sidonis.'    
    
Sidonis. She re read the name again, a new worry replacing the hurt she was currently stewing in.     
    
Ever since she had picked Garrus up from Omega, he had been... different. Of course he was just as reliable and open towards her as he had always been, but there was... an uncharacteristic anger deep inside him. All of it pointed directly at the person who's name had jst graced her screen. It scared her.     
    
She knew that anger, it could bury you if you let it, and Garrus was beginning to go under. She saw it when he explained why he was on Omega, how he got cornered. The vicious snarl he had when he said Sidonis' name had startled her. It painted her friend in a new, terrible light. The Garrus she knew didn't harbor grudges, but... maybe Archangel did.     
    
Without another thought she stood from her desk and headed down to the main battery. Kasumi's mission would have to wait.     
   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
   
Shepard couldn't believe how much of a hassle getting to Harkin was turning out to be. Garrus was hellbent on making it through this warehouse. she could tell his shots were getting sloppy, rushed, less coordinated than they usually would be.    
   
It was... concerning.    
   
After speaking to Garrus, they decided to hit the citadel on their way to Kasumi's target, best case scenario it would only take a few hours to track down sidonis. Harkin was their best lead, after discovering that his alias 'Fade' was just that, they cornered him in an abndoned warehouse.... which wasn't so abandoned.    
   
Shepard stuck close to Garrus, her concern only growing as the battle progressed.    
   
A set of Mechs dropped down from the ceiling and Shepard took her eyes off garrus to focus on them. A pained grunt to her left made her look away from her target, a streak of blue across the pavement making her heart jump into her throat and her breath halt in her chest. Images of her blue soaking into her armor flashed across her mind, the sound of strangled breathing making the world around her blurr. She only snapped out of it when something heavy slammed into her, just as a bullet hit the spot where she was just crouched.    
   
"what the hell shepard?"    
   
Garrus' voice made her drag her gaze from the bullet dented crate, her brows drawing together in confusion as she looked up at him. Blue blood slowly dripped from a chink in his armor, onto the pavement under her. She shook off the terrifying feeling that was creeping up her spine, her voice coming out shakey as she spoke."What? I-I'm fine, what are you doing?"    
   
Garrus frowned his mandibles flickering as he backed away from her, keeping in cover as he hissed at her. "like hell you are, you looked like you weren't really there for a minute there. You would've had a bullet in your head if I hadn't have--"    
   
An explosion that sent pieces of scrap into the crates cut him off, and Shepard retrieved her pistol from where it had fallen. "Won't happen again, lets get to Harkin." Garrus looked after her as she went, unconvinced, but returning his focus to the mission.   
   
She left it at that, ignoring the way her hands shook as she pulled the trigger, firing at the last remaining mech. When it exploded and no more LOKI mechs followed, she motioned the group to flank the room Harkin had holed up in, where they could likely reach him without getting his attention.    
   
Shepard slammed the button on the door, walking in as Garrus flanked the right side, successfully trapping Harkin.    
   
Smug little bastard thought he could still get away and ran straight into a wall of angry turian.    
   
Shepard didn't pay much attention, letting Garrus do the talking while Harkin squealed the information they needed. She only interfered after Harkin set up the meeting with Sidonis and was about to go. Garrus' grip on his pistol was irontight, and Shepard knew what would happen if she didn't interfere.   
   
"Sorry, Harkin but I can't let you do that."    
   
Without thinking, Shepard reached out and grabbed his arm, reciving an angry glare from her friend. He jerked his arm out of her grip, but didn't raise the pistol again.    
   
Turning his gaze back to harkin, he sneered at him. "You got lucky this time."    
   
As shepard turned to leave, Garrus stepped forward, slamming his head against Harkins, causing him to stumble to the ground. Shepard gave him a look as he walked over to join her, the turian equivalent of a playful smirk forming on his face. "What? I didn't shoot him."    
   
The walk back to the upper levels of the Citadel was quiet, and Shepard sent Grunt back to the Normandy while she and Garrus caught a skycar to the Embassies.    
   
The ride wasn't that long, but it was long enough to make the tension in the air feel uncomfortable.    
   
Garrus broke the silence.    
   
"Harkin's a boody menace. We shouldn't have just let him go, he deserved to be punished." The snarl in his voice made her shift, the unease growing in her as she listened to his subharmonics hum a low, dangerous tune.    
   
"I'm getting worried about you Garrus. You were pretty hard on Harkin." She said gently, her eyes never wavering from him as the car slowed and they arrived at the Embassies.    
   
"You don't think he deserved it?" Garrus accused, glancing away from her as if he was uncomfortable, his subharmonics going silent.    
   
"It's... just not like you." She murmured, looking out the window.    
   
There was a brief silence between them before Garrus spoke again, his voice dangerously raw. "What do you want from me shepard? What would you do if someone had betrayed you like that?"    
   
Shepard's mind briefly went to Ashley, but she couldn't exactly equate that to what Garrus went through. "I don't know. But I wouldn't let it change me."    
   
"Yeah, and I would have said the same thing before it happened to me." Garrus said, his voice sharp and accusing. Shepard tried not to take it to heart, the pain of Sidonis' betrayal was still very raw in his mind, but she didn't like this side of him, the Archangel hellbent on revenge, on vengance for the fallen.    
   
It was almost poetic.    
   
"It's not too late, Garrus. You don't have to go through with this." She reasoned, they spoke about it briefly on the normandy, but Garrus had been set on killing him. She had hoped he would have changed his mind...    
   
"Who's going to bring Sidonis to justice if I don't? Nobody else knows what he's done, nobody else cares!" The emotion was seeping into his voice and Shepard wanted to reach out to him, do anything to soothe his hurt but she knew all too well that this wasn't something a few well-meaning words could fix. "I don't see any other options, Shepard."    
   
Shepard turned back to him, pleading now. "Let me talk to him."    
   
Garrus hardened his gaze, looking up at the roof of the car. "Talk all you want, it's not going to change my mind. I don't care what his reasons were, he screwed us... he deserves to die."   
   
Shepard shook her head, desperately trying to get him to see that this was not the best way to handle this, she didn't want him to live with even more blood on his hands than necessary. "I understand what you're going through—but do you really want to kill him?"    
   
"I... appreciate your concern but... I'm not you."    
   
"This isn't you either!" She protested, gesturing to him with her hands, her emotions betraying her in her voice.    
   
"Really? I've always hated injustice. The thought that Sidonis could get away with this..." He half laughed. "why should he go on living when ten good men lie in unmarked graves?" He looked at her, mandibles flaring angrily. "I'm sorry Shepard, but words aren't going to solve this problem."    
   
Shepard offered no other argument, setting her lips in a thin line.    
   
Garrus looked away from her, shaking his head. "I've got to set up."    
   
From where they sat in the car they had a clear veiw of the balconies surrounding the embassies. Garrus pointed to a shaded one with a view of the common area. "I can get a clear shot from over there."    
   
Shepard sighed softly, despite her moral grounds she was going to help him. "What do you need me to do?"    
   
"keep him talking and don't get in my way. I'll let you know when I've got him in my sights. Give me a signal so I know you're ready and ill take the shot."    
   
Shepard just nodded, keeping quiet, and glad no other squadmates were present to see their little moral debate.    
   
"You'd better go. He'll be here soon." Garrus said as he stepped out of the car and shepard took over, driving down to the lower Embassies while he got in position.    
   
As Shepard stepped out of the car and headed to the meeting point, Garrus spoke over their shared comm. _"Shepard, you read me?"_  
   
"Loud and clear." She said, entering the common area.    
   
 _"all right, I see him. Over there, sitting across from the asari talking to the volus. Wave him over and keep him talking."_  
   
Shepard saw him, walking closer and setting her eyes on him, motioning him over with two fingers.    
   
Sidonis saw her, nervously standing and walking over to her. "let's get this over with."    
   
Garrus' voice crackled over the comm. _"Move to the side you're in my shot."_    
   
Shepard stayed stubbornly in place, speaking carefully to the turian in front of her. She was determined to settle this her way, despite Garrus' objections.    
   
"Listen Sidonis, I'm here to help you."    
   
The turian hissed, glancing around like a paranoid lunatic. "Don't ever say that name aloud."    
   
"I'm a friend of Garrus'. He wants you dead but im hoping that's not necessary." She said sternly, keeping herself firmly in place, blocking Garrus' shot."    
   
"Garrus? Is this some kind of joke...?" Sidonis stepped back, eyes wide and wary.    
   
 _"Dammit shepard! If he moves im taking the shot!"_ Garrus snarled over the comm.    
   
When her face remained stern and serious Sidonis looked sick. "You're not joking. Screw this, I'm not sticking around. Tell garrus I had my own problems to worry about--"    
   
Athena reached out and grabbed his arm, firmly keeping him in place. "Don't move."    
   
Sidonis jerked, but was unable to break her grip. "Get off me!"    
   
"I am the only thing standing between you and a hole in your head." Shepard hissed, her tone low, almost resembeling a snarl.    
   
"Fuck." Sidonis cursed, his expression falling. Athena let him go when his posture slackened. "Look, I-I didn't want to. I didn't have a choice!"    
   
 _"Everyone has a choice."_ Garrus snarled.    
   
"They got to me! Said they'd kill meif I didn’t give them up! What was I supposed to do?" Sidonis said, panic filling his voice.    
   
 _"Let me take the shot shepard, he's a damn coward!"_ Garrus' voice sounded on the verge of breaking, but shepard couldn't let him do it.    
   
"That's it? You were just trying to save yourself?" Shepard prodded, moving as he did, keeping herself between him and Garrus. Sidonis leaned against the railing, shaking his head, looking pitiful.    
   
"I know what I did." He lamented. "I know they died because of me. And i have to live with that." His subharmonics were barely heard, but what shepard did hear just sounded... sad.    
   
"I wake up every night... sick... and sweating. Each of their faces staring at me... accusing me." He mourned, shrugging his shoulders. "I'm already a dead man. I don’t sleep, food has no taste. Some days I just want it to be over."    
   
   
 _"Just give me the chance. "_ Garrus threatened, but shepard knew the effect his words were having on him.    
   
"You gotta let it go, Garrus. He's already paying for his crime." Shepard reasoned again, still keeping herself in the line of fire.    
   
 _"He hasn't paid enough. He still has his life."_  
   
"Look at him Garrus." She barked, emotion seeping into her voice, maybe she let this get too close. "There's nothing left to kill."    
   
 _"My men deserved better."_  
   
"Tell Garrus... well... I guess there's nothing I can say to make it right..." Sidonis said, not moving from his place on the railing, sounding utterly lifeless.    
   
 _"Just... go. Tell him to go."_ Garrus choked out, and shepard mentally sighed, relief flooding through her viens.    
   
"He's giving you a second chance Sidonis. Don't waste it." She sayed, her voice sharp and stern.    
   
"I'll make it up to you Garrus. Somehow." Sidonis declared, looking down at her with a relieved look on his face. "Thank you.. For talking to him."    
   
Shepard held his gaze, setting her hands on her hips. "I didn’t do it for you."    
   
She walked away before he could say anything else, getting into the car and meeting garrus back up at the upper balcony. She stepped out of the car, folding her arms as he came in to view.    
   
"I know you want to talk about it but I don't. Not yet." Garrus said as he approached, shaking his head.    
   
"I know it didn't pan out the way you planned, but... it's for the best." She said gently, looking up at him.    
"I'm not so sure..." He said, glancing out to the rest of the citadel.    
   
"Give it time." She said, resting a hand on his shoulder.    
   
"Yeah. Maybe that'll be enough..." He sighed. "I wanna know I did the right thing. Not just for me... for my men." He shook his head, his head lowering. "They deserved to be avenged but when Sidonis was in my sights I just... couldn't do it."    
   
Athena nodded, keeping her face carefully passive. "The lines between good and evil blur when we're looking at people we know."    
   
"Yeah.." Garrus relented. "there was still some good in him... I could see it. It's so much easier to see the world in black and white." He laughed softly, shaking his head. "Grey? I don't know what to do with grey."    
   
"well. Trust your instincts." She said.    
   
"my instincts are what got me into this mess." He muttered, shaking his head.    
   
"don't be too hard on yourself." She chuckled, gesturing to the car. "we should get back to the Normandy."    
   
"yeah. I need some distance from this place. And maybe a couple strong drinks." Garrus said with a sigh. She pat his shoulder, smiling. "I just might join you."  


End file.
